I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
the saddest jazz hands ever
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.