I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
TRAIN’S HERE
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Twitter remains undefeated
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus