2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.