Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road