You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
You Might Also Like
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
(more comics:
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.