[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
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You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.