Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
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Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that