People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
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My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
NOT all policemen are strippers.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.