Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
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yeah no that’s fair
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.