Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
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Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.