I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
You Might Also Like
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next