Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.