My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
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Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
That’s amazing.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.