no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
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*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
“What?”
– Jude
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.