wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!