Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February