These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif