So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT鈥橲 IT鈥橲- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Found my door mat
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does鈥n iced carrot cake muffin.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don鈥檛 know how to clap. He鈥檚 been trying to teach me ever since. I鈥檓 hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If you鈥檙e serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you鈥檙e cured/murdered.
From the speed at which it鈥檚 spread I鈥檓 wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
When you鈥檙e friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
馃悹
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it鈥檚 just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you鈥檇 see again.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I really admire my daughter鈥檚 restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I鈥檓 remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can鈥檛 back out very well.