Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
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BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
my retirement plan is braless
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.