Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Cake safety first. Always.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.