Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.