Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
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Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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