My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
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[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.