Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.