When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
You Might Also Like
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???