Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.