I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I missed you with all my darts
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.