The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
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At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Pretty much. 🤣
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon