People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
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My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?