Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
who wants to go expliring
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do