Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
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<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.