my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
LOL!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you