After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
man i love columbo
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Some people were born into their job.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise