*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
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when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Free him
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.