Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T