C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“I FIXED IT!”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…