In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
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[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Storm Tropical Storm
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”