I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
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WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
john wicks are toilet candles
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild