People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
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Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*