If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
a god among men
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!