Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
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the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.