WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
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People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Bro what is this
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL