A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?