I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Cake!!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Bro what is this
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.