Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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What is going on? 😅
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
me when the borders lift
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
“and how does that make you feel?”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”