If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash