[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
can’t bark with your mouth full
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I never needed anything more in my life
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.