Velcrow
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Guilty! 🤪
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks