[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
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Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
dictator is short for richard potato
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
what are they serving at kfc then???
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.