I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
WHY?!
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Is fructose made with real fruct?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.