There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
You Might Also Like
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”